Since that dreamlike/nightmare-like day I have been on a roller coaster that will not stop. The days all mix together and I find myself having to think hard about which events happened before or after his passing.
Then I lost my dear uncle John.
And I keep asking were you here uncle when this happened? How about this? I am having a hard time remembering that you passed in March three years after Daddy and I cant believe that the one year anniversary of that day is also coming up fast. HOW CAN THIS BE?
I want so many things. And so many of them just slipped away with out a word and I am looking around trying to figure out what is real, what existed, and what is yet possible.
I have been up for nearly twenty four hours. I do not want to miss a moment. At this particular one, four years ago, we were at the house at one stearns trying to catch a few hours sleep before heading back to the hospital. Walking back with Mother to the bedroom hearing her say Jeanine sharply so she would not have to go back there alone. Then We went back to the room in MICU that I will never ever forget. It was just a continuous parade of people and coats and nurses and what is going on and the doctor calling to say Your Husband's Vital Signs are going down. Maybe now is the time to make a decision, the decision no one should every have to make? WHY NOT? If we don't make it; who will? You will, Daddy, you are willful even in death. Lying there like you're asleep. You looked peaceful, yes you did, this is not wishful thinking, you were at peace.
Wish you were here. The song played on my brother in laws car radio that night after you finally were gone and we went home. And here you are. Its just a song but there it is loud and clear.
So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here
They says it s a sign, a message from him.
Just what you needed to hear.
The first night it was his voice, tinny, in my ears.
The first year an email that said "Hi this is John" in the subject line,
with no message in the body.
The second year it was the voice activation on my phone saying "Would you like to call Dad?".
The third year nothing I could find.
And the fourth year this:
I couldn't, and wouldn't make this **** up.
You can find prophecy in everything if you look hard enough.
But at least now I will get some sleep.